Letting Go
by linnic
Summary: Kate finally realizes that she has to let go of the past if she wants to keep hold of her future. One Shot set post 4x09. Contains spoilers for Kill Shot.


I was going to wait to finish my other story before starting this one, but after watching "Kill Shot" (more than a few times) this story demanded to come out. I hope you enjoy this one shot! It does contains some spoilers for Kill Shot.

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><p>Kate had been thinking about finally opening up to Rick and it had taken days to work up the courage to do so. She had the perfect opportunity this morning. She had the day off, Martha was out of town, and Alexis would be at school. Her nerves were shot and she hadn't slept all night. Since her confession to her psychiatrist that she was ready to move forward, she had spent endless hours trying to figure out how to move beyond where she had been stuck for the past several years.<p>

She took a deep breath as she exited the elevator and approached the door. As she rounded the corner, her heart dropped. She sees that Rick's door is open and a woman was just leaving.

"Thanks, Rick," she hears the woman say as she exits.

He kisses her hand. "Until next time," he replies in a playful tone.

The woman walks down the hallway, his eyes following her when he sees Kate standing at the end of the hall. Kate turns to leave, tears in her eyes.

"Hey Kate, what are you doing here?" He inquires, his tone clearly showing his excitement to see her.

"Ummm… nothing I gotta go." Her feet stop moving though her mind tells her to run.

"No, wait. Come on in."

She refuses to look at him. "No, I can see you're umm…busy…I need to leave." Her words were rushed, she just needed out of this situation. How could she have been foolish enough to think that Rick would wait for so long? Instead of waiting for the elevator, she takes the stairs.

Rick stands staring in the direction of the stairway, unsure of what had just transpired. Why had Kate been at his loft, and furthermore, why had she left in such a hurry? He turned and went back into loft. Not ten seconds later, the door flew back open.

"Hey dad! Forgot something and had to grab it." Alexis hollered as she ran up the stairs to her bedroom.

"Oh, yeah. Sure thing." He said, a distant look in his eye.

"Dad, what's wrong?" She could tell by the vacant look to his face that something was wrong. When he didn't respond she continued. "Does this have anything to do with Beckett?"

"Wh..what would make you ask that?"

"I passed her on my way into the building. She was crying."

"I saw her in the hall. She acted like she was coming over and then took off before I could get anything out."

"That's strange, why would she have done that?"

"I don't know. I had Jordan…oh no."

"What?" The daughter asked, clearly at a loss for what was going on. Her father's half sentences and vague replies hadn't helped much.

"Jordan was here."

"Who's Jordan?"

"Remember how I told you I was thinking about redoing my office?" Alexis nodded, vaguely remembering a conversation from a few months ago.

"Go find her dad."

He had a feeling he knew exactly where she would be and headed directly there.

"Mom, I don't get it." She said between tears. Kneeling at her mother's gravestone, she was impervious to the cold drizzle coming from the sky. "Here I was about to tell him that I was ready, and what did I find? He had another woman there. I knew I shouldn't have believed him when he said he would wait. I mean, I knew he would wait for a while, but everyone has their limit, right?" She began pacing around her mother's grave, she always paced when she was processing. "I love him, mom, I really love him. When I lost you, I lost so much. I was so scared to love anyone again; I knew I couldn't survive losing anyone else. But I felt like to love someone else, I was betraying you. It took me so long to figure out that you wouldn't want me trapped by your murder. Why couldn't I see that before?" She continued pacing, long pauses punctuating her sentences. "After the sniper case, I saw how crippling this had all been for me. Your murder has shaped who I am; it has defined me for so long. But now I see that if I continue to let it define me, then I will have to be willing to let it destroy me. I don't care if it destroys me mom, but I can't let it destroy him to. When Travis pointed that gun at me, when he looked into my eyes and began to pull the trigger, the only thought that came to me was Rick. Mom, for the second time in a year I thought I was going to die and the only thing on my mind was Rick."

He watched from behind, hearing her words and realizing that she had misinterpreted his morning visitor. He didn't want to interrupt her, he wanted to hear what else she had to say, but he felt like this was a major invasion of her privacy. He knew she came here from time to time. Usually it was after a major case or a breakthrough in Johanna Beckett's case.

"Kate?" His voice startled her; she looked around slightly frantic not knowing if the voice was real.

"Castle? What are you doing here?" She had no idea how he even knew where to find her.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"Castle, I'm not in the mood right now." Her voice was small and hurt spilled out with each word.

"Kate, why did you come by this morning?" She wouldn't make eye contact; she kept her eyes to the ground. He slowly closed the gap between them, placing his hands gently upon her shoulders, pulling her against his chest, then wrapping his arms around her. He held her until he felt what little fight she had left leave her body. "Come on," he said as he gingerly ushered her out of the cemetery.

He hailed a cab and they made their way back to his loft in silence. She followed, not really of her own accord, but as though there was a mysterious force holding her to his side. He unlocked the door and escorted her to the couch in his living room. She sat, still refusing to look at him.

"Kate, please talk to me. You came here this morning, why?"

"It's too late Castle, I see that now," she said with a hint of bitterness to her tone.

He knew that since the sniper case, she had changed. That day seemed to bring emotions to the surface that were so "unBeckett"-like. "Kate, what upset you this morning?" When no answer came, he asked another question. "Was it the woman who was leaving?"

For the first time she looked up and into his eyes. He saw a look of hurt instantly glaze and immediately that protective shell came over her face. "Let me…" He couldn't even get the words out before she spoke up interrupting his sentence.

"You don't have to explain Castle. I just showed up at the wrong time." The bitterness still quite evident in her tone, bitterness used to disguise the hurt lying within.

"Kate, the woman leaving my loft was an interior designer. I was planning to have some work done and she came by to see the place and throw some ideas around before she started a proposal."

With his words, the stone façade of her face fell ever so slightly. Kate had no idea what to say. She was so sure…he...they…

"Kate, why did you come here today?" His voice was soft with the intent of drawing Kate out of her protective shell.

Ok, here it is. This is her moment. She has two choices, she can tell Rick what she had been wanting to tell him for days, or she could retreat, play it off that she was telling him news from the current case and brush him off. Her gut told her to shut down the conversation and leave.

She stood and started pacing. "The sniper case made several things clear to me," she began. This wasn't how she had rehearsed it, but she was going with it. "It brought so much to the surface. Things I hadn't dealt with from my shooting and things buried even deeper. I had always thought that bringing my mom's killer to justice, or to be honest taking his life away, would resolve things. Now I see that it won't." She sat down next to Rick. "Rick, I can't do this anymore. I need to let go, I'm ready to let go."

"Then let go." He said simply and held his hand out for her to take.

She sat looking at him; her eyes darting from his eyes, to his hand and back again, frozen in a moment of indecision. This hadn't gone at all like she had planned, but here she was, here they were. She had to let go. She had to finally release all that had been weighing her down. He was offering his hand, himself, as her life line. All she had to do was let go of the past and grab hold of the future.

She slowly reached her hand out to take his. He wrapped his free hand around hers, holding it to him so that she couldn't fall away. "Always," he said.

She knew that the next move was hers. She leaned in slowly, as he gently pulled her closer. Her eyes closed just before their lips met. Her kiss was timid, but it was enough.

"Rick?" She asked resting her forehead against his, her mouth mere inches from his.

"Hmm?" He responded, opening his eyes.

"I love you, too," she said with a quiet confidence to her words that he hadn't heard yet today.

"I knew you heard me." He said with a smile, looking deep into her eyes.

"Yeah, I did. I just couldn't…"

"Shhh…" he interrupted, placing a finger over her lips.

"I love you, Kate." This time he kissed her and there was nothing timid to it. They both poured all of their hurt, the pain, the love, and all of their hopes for the future into that one passionate kiss.

It was that moment in which she finally let it _all_ go and in doing so, claimed the future that stood before her.


End file.
